Boats

I'm still in the same boat I have been. Right now its just me and the coolest dude ever. But He's asleep right now, so I don't have anyone to talk to. This storm really sucks, I'll be glad when its over and we can take on more crew. It can get really lonely when you're at sea.

Tonight

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Make no mistake.

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Unnerving

A year and a half ago I stopped posting all together, because I fell in love with Ashley and started a serious relationship. Now that we are on the rocks and face the possibility of losing each other, I am here again.

For a year and a half I didn't need to catalog my thoughts, share my secrets with anyone who might read my blog. I had something real and concrete, the fear of losing this relationship is deathly.

I mean that literally. I've watched relatives and mentors slowly deteriorate until they eventually passed. It was a heart breaking loss each time. Josh left the world far too early in his life, and I felt the deepest pain of loss I had ever felt.

But now, with our relationship failing, I feel that same loss again.

The worst part is that the troubles are stupid. Things we should be able to work out, but because of self doubt and fear mistakes are being made. And the outside influences don't help either.

A long distance relationship is almost always doomed to failure. And the longer a relationship stays in that stage of long distance, the harder it is to fix things when you are close. When you see someone every day, or even almost everyday, you see the changes they go through bit by bit. You are there with them. But when you see someone every few months, the changes are sudden. You have to catch up in what little time you have before you part again.

I know that I felt like I was constantly having to learn the most basic things about Ashley every two months, to the point that I couldn't just enjoy being around her. There wasn't enough time to know her as well as I wanted. And I'm sure she felt the same.

This unfamiliarity starts to breed distrust. You can't fully trust someone you don't know. Distrust leads to communication problems. Communication problems lead to REALLY BIG misunderstandings. Sure, both parties love each other, but they become frustrated with the lack of understanding.

Long Distance relationships take a lot of work. And if one person decides its more important to fulfill childhood dreams than to work for an adult relationship, things will go bad.

Thus is the problem.

Ashley and I couldn't find the time to talk enough. We are both constantly busy, and tired. So we don't talk as much as we should. Not talking leads to grumpiness, not venting the days problems leads to more grumpiness. Grumpiness leads to miscommunication, leads to fights. Fights without a physical "make up" session are harsh. Even if you come to a resolution, not being able to hug each other wears you down. To the point that you don't want to talk for fear of a fight, but not talking is what really started it in the first place.

Long Distance relationships are hard. And I don't think I can do it anymore. Not as un-evenly yoked as its been.

I'm in love

I am in love with Ashley.

Kind of funny

I've been here before. I lived her for a long time.

Its like things are back to normal.

My family has been in bed for hours and I'm awake on the PC listening to music, writing poems, and reading comics. I'm smitten by a lady and haven't found the words to tell her how much she means to me. I'm in school, I'm broke. I had a fight with my Dad.

But this time it really is different. I don't want to get over the girl this time. I don't mind being broke so much. I know that I'm finally in the right class. And I don't have anger for my Dad, I have sorrow. And I'm not giving into hate and temptation like I used to.

This time I'm an adult. This time I'm putting all my hopes in Christ. Thanks to Him I can hurt without being broken. I can love without being lost. Thank you God.

This time

This time I won't hide.
This time I won't accept numbness.
This time I won't back down.
This time I won't give up.

This time I will love.
This time I will hold on.
This time I will be honest with myself.
This time I will be brave.

Today is the day

Today I am supposed to get a call from the FD. I expect them to say something along the lines of "You are awesome, please let us give you money." If they don't hire me, it's because they are racist.

Roundhouse kick

Coming at you fast like my name is dot crash
smokin all them jokers till theres nothing left but ash
Riding in my benz as I'm counting all my cash
This is all pretends, I'd never be that crass
I stay broke most everyday
Praying to my Lord that I do it His way
Thank God for the day, thank God for the night
Jesus saved my life so I got to live it right

Today

is Judgment day.

Das Elbows!

I'm not exactly sure how it works, but yesterday I decided to double my reps in weightlifting from 30 to 70 (more than double, I know) and I felt fine. But today my elbows feel like they are broken. The muscles don't hurt a bit, just the joint. OUCH!

YES! YES! YES!

I've got an interview with GS on the 16th! YES! Just last night I was talking about what I was going to do if I didn't get the job.

I haven't been hired yet, but I got my call back! YES! YES! YES! I am so stoked! I didn't realize just how much I wanted that job until I got my call back. I guess I didn't want to get my hopes up or something, but now I want it so very much! I'm praying that I get the job, and I'm thanking God for his love.

This has been a good week!

Vagueness

Its funny how just a few days ago I had made up my mind, and then she comes along and trips me up.

God loves me, the proof is obvious. I think how he keeps me on the right track is the BEST WAY EVER. Jonah got swallowed by a fish, I meet women. I was really starting to get worried about what I'm supposed to do, and I feel more at peace now than I have in a while.

I would like to thank Sam, she doesn't know it but she has helped me a lot through this time. She was a really good friend and I'm kind of sad that she and I are going to fall out of contact, but I knew that would happen from the start.

Amber too, she helped me to consider other options and I wish her the best of luck. Even though I don't think I'll ever go through the effort of seeing her again.

I never have someone take me "under wing" and mentor me. All of the influential guys I've met have always been very distant. Its a nasty habit that I now realize I have too.

Its time for me to show a brand new courage. God has been preparing me for this for sometime. He has put me in many situations to make me grow and sharpen my skills. Long gone is the Matt who can't talk to pretty girls, long gone is the Matt who starts arguments just for fun.

God has dropped me into the weirdest and most drama filled web I've ever seen. I need to stay in constant prayer and keep my Faith in the Lord. God has my back, and this is the turning point.

I don't know if she is "the one" and it doesn't matter. Clearly God wants me to pursue her. Either I will find the promise or I will be further molded into the man I need to be to receive that promise. God is leading this one, and I am determined to follow him. I'm done making my own plans, God has things covered.

Praise the Lord with your every breath, and bring Glory to God with your every action. Do these things with all that you are, and you will be surprised at who you find next to you.

bargaloarg

Bargalaorg I missed an update
Bargalaorg is my plan to date
That cutie contraband
A say it like I got a mic in my hand
Bargalaorg is the sound it makes
when my train of thought jumps the tracks
crash into an orphanage
and change my raps.

A mix of blood and grease

Great cars are built by machines to exact specifications. The look great, they run great.

But the best cars are built by hand. You get cut cut, and the blood from your body mixes with the grease of the car. That is when it is no longer just a machine, but a monster. Something with character. Almost a soul. It no longer becomes a matter of numbers, but a relationship twixt man and beast. You change and improve the car and the car changes and improves you. You stop trusting mechanics with your car, you opt do to everything you can yourself. Eventually you can feel everything. You take a turn and you can feel the low pressure in that left front tire. You realize that back right shock needs adjusted. You ignore the tachometer, choosing to instead listen to the car.

It is that point that you are no longer just a person who drives, you have become a driver.

Everything.

Everything is really starting to get to me. It seems like I'm never good enough, that I always fall short of the mark. I think I'm about to just turn off.

I got 99 .swp errors but a chick ain't one

.crash like the flash in my browser
I'm not so good at linux
my home is a router
But I love that little guy tux.
I find open source to be fun
So shelve all your what the *****
This hacker ain't done
I live with computer terrors
I feel bad for you son.
I got 99 .swp errors
but a chick ain't one.

I'm back to Ego Tripping

Seattle is so incompetent! Yeah, I know that I live in Alabama, home of slumlords and crooked politicians. But Seattle is no better in that regard.

But I'll tell you what Alabama doesn't do, we don't build a double decker highway and not fix it when its about to fall and kill a bazillion people.

And the only people who say they love all of your rain are liars and emos. And most of the emos are liars. I can tell, because EVERYONE makes a huge deal about the few days a year that the sun actually shines and remarks on how pretty it is, stating that they must have the best sun ever. Guess what, we have the best skies you will ever see, like 90% of the year. And when it does rain here, it really rains, thunderstorms, tropical storms, hurricanes, and my personal favorite, summer showers. Yep, a warm summer day with the sun shining and raining at the same time. Its like weather specifically designed to mock you, saying "look we can do what you are famous for and what we are famous for AT THE SAME TIME."

And if I wanted that "Big City" feel, I could live in Birmingham. Birmingham has the history that Seattle will NEVER have, and it is in the foot hills of the mountains. Topographically Birmingham is very similar to Seattle, only Birmingham is actually pretty instead of just dirty.

Thats right Seattle, you are dirty. You look like fish bones and smell just about the same. Your buses are gross, your sidewalks unkempt, your skies gray. I just want to take some windex to you, I want to clean you up.

And capital hill? Really? Come on, tolerance is one thing, but you take it too far.

Prepare yourself for war! For I am coming, and I bring with me the might of the South! Too long have you poisoned this country. I shall fight you with courtesy, honour, and manners. I shall look everyone in the eye, I shall smile and tip my hat as I walk past a lady, I will hold doors! My people created gorilla warfare and I shall be continuing that tradition. Maybe I alone can't change you. But I will affect others, they will follow my lead. I will make Seattle sincere and polite.

You may be the Emerald City, but I'm hard as Diamond, and it will take more than Ruby Slippers to stop me.

Everyone

There are a handful of people who are convinced they know what I am thinking, who say they know how I feel. They have no idea of just how good a lying I truly am. Everyone sees the jerk, most see that as a joke and see the clown, some see past the clown and get to know the nice guy, fewer still get to see the anger. But nobody ever gets to see how screwed up I feel. Nobody ever gets to see the tears that flow uncontrollably, nobody sees the guilt I feel, how incompetent I feel.

I really don't know if I'm strong enough for this job. I've only been in a handful of really messed up situations, but they still haunt me. I do my best to just turn off my emotions, but everytime I relax I remember the kid with the chewed up face, or I see that charred baby. I remember the woman who's husband died next to her in bed. I think of the guy who's best friend died as the car wrapped around a power pole.

I can't talk to anyone about it, because nobody else seems to be affected by like I am. Its all "get the job done" and move on. And maybe thats the best, I wouldn't want a whole bunch of guys who are just going to feel bad for me show up when I'm in danger, I want a bunch of guys who know what they are doing and aren't afraid to do it. I wish I could be cold like that, but I'm not, and I never will be. I've tried, oh how I've tried, but I can't do it. I just end up feeling guilty for not feeling bad sooner, I end up feeling guilty for not feeling bad. And then I feel bad AND I feel guilty.

I've convinced myself that the only way to make up for my inability to help some people is to keep showing up when the call goes out, to learn as much as I can about medicine. I want to work in Rapid Intervention and I want to be on Life Flight. I may even continue my education and become a trauma surgeon, I just haven't looked into what all that would take.

And whats going to happen when I do finally find someone? Is it fair to expect her to put up with my crying in my sleep? Is it fair to make her worry about me when I go on a call? Everyone runs the risk of never seeing their wife again when they go to work, but not everyone's job includes running into burning buildings, riding in helicopters, and being exposed to diseases and hazardous materials. And what if I get that patient who is HIV positive that spits on me? How do I explain to my wife that my results came back positive because some idiot jerk that I was trying to help gave me AIDS? What happens when that roof falls sooner than expected, or that dynamite nobody knew about explodes? Is this really a fair life for a family to be exposed to?

What if this isn't even the right place for me to be? What if I take the wrong job?

When am I allowed to stop caring? With the little experience I have so far, with the few things I think about I have trouble getting through the day. I try to rationalize or find the silver lining in everything. I tell my self "Well, at least it was his own fault for driving drunk" or "At least we got him to a hospital" or "At least she died from the smoke and not the fire." I have to hold onto those things, they are the only good I see. But I know how close that fire was to her, there is a good chance it was the flames that killed her. I tell myself over and over again that it was the smoke, that it was painless, but I can't get how close those flame were out of my head. I can't help but think about how much pain she might have been in. A tiny baby girl being consumed by flames, I imagine her crying and nobody coming to her rescue. There was nothing I could do, THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO! I tried so hard, we all tried so hard but she was died when we got there and we couldn't do anything. So I keep telling myself that it was the smoke that killed her. Its all I have. I have to believe it.

And what about kids starving to death, born with AIDS in Africa? Kids who never had a chance, and never hear the words of Jesus? What silver lining is there? I have no "at least" to help me deal with it. The world is so screwed up and there is nothing I can do. I just want to stop caring, but I can't, and I hurt. I've got it a million times better than those kids, and I feel guilty, I want to help them but I can't, I just can't. There is nothing I can do.

Everytime I think of myself I feel guilty for being selfish. So I think about everyone else and I breakdown crying in the middle of the day. I'm just not good enough. I know I can't save the world, but I want to, and I'm doing everything I can but I'm just not good enough.

I need help, I need someone to help me deal with this, I need someone to take my mind off of my job and off of all the evil that exist in the world. I need someone who understands that I have to be gone a lot, that I have to do what I can to save the world, even if it is only a little bit. I have to find someone who will be there for me, even if I can't be there for her. I need someone to love me when I come home from a world full of pain. And I just don't know if it is fair to want all of that, to NEED all of that.

I don't even know who you are
And I don't know who I want you to be
but I love you for who you are
you're the only one who makes me feel like me.
I want to be with you
right now and for all eternity.