Everyone

There are a handful of people who are convinced they know what I am thinking, who say they know how I feel. They have no idea of just how good a lying I truly am. Everyone sees the jerk, most see that as a joke and see the clown, some see past the clown and get to know the nice guy, fewer still get to see the anger. But nobody ever gets to see how screwed up I feel. Nobody ever gets to see the tears that flow uncontrollably, nobody sees the guilt I feel, how incompetent I feel.

I really don't know if I'm strong enough for this job. I've only been in a handful of really messed up situations, but they still haunt me. I do my best to just turn off my emotions, but everytime I relax I remember the kid with the chewed up face, or I see that charred baby. I remember the woman who's husband died next to her in bed. I think of the guy who's best friend died as the car wrapped around a power pole.

I can't talk to anyone about it, because nobody else seems to be affected by like I am. Its all "get the job done" and move on. And maybe thats the best, I wouldn't want a whole bunch of guys who are just going to feel bad for me show up when I'm in danger, I want a bunch of guys who know what they are doing and aren't afraid to do it. I wish I could be cold like that, but I'm not, and I never will be. I've tried, oh how I've tried, but I can't do it. I just end up feeling guilty for not feeling bad sooner, I end up feeling guilty for not feeling bad. And then I feel bad AND I feel guilty.

I've convinced myself that the only way to make up for my inability to help some people is to keep showing up when the call goes out, to learn as much as I can about medicine. I want to work in Rapid Intervention and I want to be on Life Flight. I may even continue my education and become a trauma surgeon, I just haven't looked into what all that would take.

And whats going to happen when I do finally find someone? Is it fair to expect her to put up with my crying in my sleep? Is it fair to make her worry about me when I go on a call? Everyone runs the risk of never seeing their wife again when they go to work, but not everyone's job includes running into burning buildings, riding in helicopters, and being exposed to diseases and hazardous materials. And what if I get that patient who is HIV positive that spits on me? How do I explain to my wife that my results came back positive because some idiot jerk that I was trying to help gave me AIDS? What happens when that roof falls sooner than expected, or that dynamite nobody knew about explodes? Is this really a fair life for a family to be exposed to?

What if this isn't even the right place for me to be? What if I take the wrong job?

When am I allowed to stop caring? With the little experience I have so far, with the few things I think about I have trouble getting through the day. I try to rationalize or find the silver lining in everything. I tell my self "Well, at least it was his own fault for driving drunk" or "At least we got him to a hospital" or "At least she died from the smoke and not the fire." I have to hold onto those things, they are the only good I see. But I know how close that fire was to her, there is a good chance it was the flames that killed her. I tell myself over and over again that it was the smoke, that it was painless, but I can't get how close those flame were out of my head. I can't help but think about how much pain she might have been in. A tiny baby girl being consumed by flames, I imagine her crying and nobody coming to her rescue. There was nothing I could do, THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO! I tried so hard, we all tried so hard but she was died when we got there and we couldn't do anything. So I keep telling myself that it was the smoke that killed her. Its all I have. I have to believe it.

And what about kids starving to death, born with AIDS in Africa? Kids who never had a chance, and never hear the words of Jesus? What silver lining is there? I have no "at least" to help me deal with it. The world is so screwed up and there is nothing I can do. I just want to stop caring, but I can't, and I hurt. I've got it a million times better than those kids, and I feel guilty, I want to help them but I can't, I just can't. There is nothing I can do.

Everytime I think of myself I feel guilty for being selfish. So I think about everyone else and I breakdown crying in the middle of the day. I'm just not good enough. I know I can't save the world, but I want to, and I'm doing everything I can but I'm just not good enough.

I need help, I need someone to help me deal with this, I need someone to take my mind off of my job and off of all the evil that exist in the world. I need someone who understands that I have to be gone a lot, that I have to do what I can to save the world, even if it is only a little bit. I have to find someone who will be there for me, even if I can't be there for her. I need someone to love me when I come home from a world full of pain. And I just don't know if it is fair to want all of that, to NEED all of that.