I'm back to Ego Tripping

Seattle is so incompetent! Yeah, I know that I live in Alabama, home of slumlords and crooked politicians. But Seattle is no better in that regard.

But I'll tell you what Alabama doesn't do, we don't build a double decker highway and not fix it when its about to fall and kill a bazillion people.

And the only people who say they love all of your rain are liars and emos. And most of the emos are liars. I can tell, because EVERYONE makes a huge deal about the few days a year that the sun actually shines and remarks on how pretty it is, stating that they must have the best sun ever. Guess what, we have the best skies you will ever see, like 90% of the year. And when it does rain here, it really rains, thunderstorms, tropical storms, hurricanes, and my personal favorite, summer showers. Yep, a warm summer day with the sun shining and raining at the same time. Its like weather specifically designed to mock you, saying "look we can do what you are famous for and what we are famous for AT THE SAME TIME."

And if I wanted that "Big City" feel, I could live in Birmingham. Birmingham has the history that Seattle will NEVER have, and it is in the foot hills of the mountains. Topographically Birmingham is very similar to Seattle, only Birmingham is actually pretty instead of just dirty.

Thats right Seattle, you are dirty. You look like fish bones and smell just about the same. Your buses are gross, your sidewalks unkempt, your skies gray. I just want to take some windex to you, I want to clean you up.

And capital hill? Really? Come on, tolerance is one thing, but you take it too far.

Prepare yourself for war! For I am coming, and I bring with me the might of the South! Too long have you poisoned this country. I shall fight you with courtesy, honour, and manners. I shall look everyone in the eye, I shall smile and tip my hat as I walk past a lady, I will hold doors! My people created gorilla warfare and I shall be continuing that tradition. Maybe I alone can't change you. But I will affect others, they will follow my lead. I will make Seattle sincere and polite.

You may be the Emerald City, but I'm hard as Diamond, and it will take more than Ruby Slippers to stop me.

Everyone

There are a handful of people who are convinced they know what I am thinking, who say they know how I feel. They have no idea of just how good a lying I truly am. Everyone sees the jerk, most see that as a joke and see the clown, some see past the clown and get to know the nice guy, fewer still get to see the anger. But nobody ever gets to see how screwed up I feel. Nobody ever gets to see the tears that flow uncontrollably, nobody sees the guilt I feel, how incompetent I feel.

I really don't know if I'm strong enough for this job. I've only been in a handful of really messed up situations, but they still haunt me. I do my best to just turn off my emotions, but everytime I relax I remember the kid with the chewed up face, or I see that charred baby. I remember the woman who's husband died next to her in bed. I think of the guy who's best friend died as the car wrapped around a power pole.

I can't talk to anyone about it, because nobody else seems to be affected by like I am. Its all "get the job done" and move on. And maybe thats the best, I wouldn't want a whole bunch of guys who are just going to feel bad for me show up when I'm in danger, I want a bunch of guys who know what they are doing and aren't afraid to do it. I wish I could be cold like that, but I'm not, and I never will be. I've tried, oh how I've tried, but I can't do it. I just end up feeling guilty for not feeling bad sooner, I end up feeling guilty for not feeling bad. And then I feel bad AND I feel guilty.

I've convinced myself that the only way to make up for my inability to help some people is to keep showing up when the call goes out, to learn as much as I can about medicine. I want to work in Rapid Intervention and I want to be on Life Flight. I may even continue my education and become a trauma surgeon, I just haven't looked into what all that would take.

And whats going to happen when I do finally find someone? Is it fair to expect her to put up with my crying in my sleep? Is it fair to make her worry about me when I go on a call? Everyone runs the risk of never seeing their wife again when they go to work, but not everyone's job includes running into burning buildings, riding in helicopters, and being exposed to diseases and hazardous materials. And what if I get that patient who is HIV positive that spits on me? How do I explain to my wife that my results came back positive because some idiot jerk that I was trying to help gave me AIDS? What happens when that roof falls sooner than expected, or that dynamite nobody knew about explodes? Is this really a fair life for a family to be exposed to?

What if this isn't even the right place for me to be? What if I take the wrong job?

When am I allowed to stop caring? With the little experience I have so far, with the few things I think about I have trouble getting through the day. I try to rationalize or find the silver lining in everything. I tell my self "Well, at least it was his own fault for driving drunk" or "At least we got him to a hospital" or "At least she died from the smoke and not the fire." I have to hold onto those things, they are the only good I see. But I know how close that fire was to her, there is a good chance it was the flames that killed her. I tell myself over and over again that it was the smoke, that it was painless, but I can't get how close those flame were out of my head. I can't help but think about how much pain she might have been in. A tiny baby girl being consumed by flames, I imagine her crying and nobody coming to her rescue. There was nothing I could do, THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO! I tried so hard, we all tried so hard but she was died when we got there and we couldn't do anything. So I keep telling myself that it was the smoke that killed her. Its all I have. I have to believe it.

And what about kids starving to death, born with AIDS in Africa? Kids who never had a chance, and never hear the words of Jesus? What silver lining is there? I have no "at least" to help me deal with it. The world is so screwed up and there is nothing I can do. I just want to stop caring, but I can't, and I hurt. I've got it a million times better than those kids, and I feel guilty, I want to help them but I can't, I just can't. There is nothing I can do.

Everytime I think of myself I feel guilty for being selfish. So I think about everyone else and I breakdown crying in the middle of the day. I'm just not good enough. I know I can't save the world, but I want to, and I'm doing everything I can but I'm just not good enough.

I need help, I need someone to help me deal with this, I need someone to take my mind off of my job and off of all the evil that exist in the world. I need someone who understands that I have to be gone a lot, that I have to do what I can to save the world, even if it is only a little bit. I have to find someone who will be there for me, even if I can't be there for her. I need someone to love me when I come home from a world full of pain. And I just don't know if it is fair to want all of that, to NEED all of that.

I don't even know who you are
And I don't know who I want you to be
but I love you for who you are
you're the only one who makes me feel like me.
I want to be with you
right now and for all eternity.

Poker Night- broken ideas

Its Poker Night at the Grand Hotel
Pay attention to the story I tell
about a wild card street kid
who wasn't feeling too well

She was like the Ace of Spades
aiming to Jack his Heart

Unless your bat girl I win
as he drops a joker from his sleeve.

Knocked out his teeth, threw him in the street

Threw them into jail

Error of My Youth

Thinking about her my heart goes
pitter patter pitter patter
Splater as I throw it against a brick wall
After all
I'm a man on a mission
I don't have time for it
I yell "I'm a Christian"
But its the point your missin'
I say it because I need convincin'

In spite of the trouble you bring me
I feel that I love you.
And in spite of their volume
my words have no conviction

Truth is I say I love her to feel alive
for two years now I've been dead inside
I run and hide from the truth
but it always finds me.
Its an error of my youth.
I'm doomed to be lonely.

I pick up my heart and blow the dust off.
And when it comes to love I feel that its all lost.
My heart no longer beats, I wonder if it ever truly did.
It was an error of my youth, I was only just a kid.
But I'm a man now and I need Your forgiveness.
Please come into my heart, make me whole and show me true bliss.

Cat Legality

For over two centuries the United States government has been faced with difficult decisions. Everything from gun control to the use of tobacco products, our government has had to walk the thin line between protecting United States citizens and oppressing those citizens. However, there is one topic that is so hotly debated that even our founding fathers were too afraid to address the issue. It is time for the government to stop worrying about what is popular and do what is right: it is time for the government to outlaw cats as pets.

Proponents of cats as pets will argue that the low maintenance and the companionship offered by cats make them excellent pets. Some make the claim that owning cats can actually improve someones quality of life and health. Clearly the faulty logic of these groups is the downfall of their argument. Not only do cats make horrible pets, but they pose a threat to both physical and mental well being in humans.( Serpell)

If a dog were to lounge around the house all day, get drunk, jump onto the table, and sleep on top of the refrigerator he would be a bad dog. However, this sort of behavior is expected of cats. Almost all pets are expected to serve humans in some capacity, whether it be a dog guarding and protecting the house and yard or a bird singing on a sunny day. Pets contribute to household to improve the lives of their owners. Cats, however, do no such thing. A cat never greets its owner at the door or barks when a car pulls up, a cat just lays in the window sill and judges everyone that it sees. The only time a cat even acknowledges the existence of its supposed owner is when the cat wants something. This goes to show that the cat does not submit to the human, and therefore is a horrible pet by its actions alone.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has conducted numerous studies that show the negative effects that cats can have on humans. Aside from allergies, the two most notable and harmful disease that cats carry are Cat Scratch Disease (CSD) and Salmonella. CSD is a disease that is found on a cats claws and in a cats mouth. This is transmitted to humans when the cat scratches (as the name indicates) or bites a human. Symptoms of CSD include infection of the lymph nodes, especially in the upper body and throat, headache, fatigue, fever, and sometimes lead to life threatening illness.(Cat Scratch Disease) Even worse than CSD is Salmonella, a multi-drug resistant bacteria that often turns fatal. Another study by the CDC proved that cats can carry Salmonella in their feces.(Cats as a Risk) Since most pet cats use a litter box inside the owners house, it is possible for the cat to then spread the disease in the house and for the owner to become infected with Salmonella as well, further illustrating the dangers of having cats as pets.

Finally, a persons mental health is often times negatively affected by living with cats. In the United States the term Crazy Cat Lady is a common phrase, but Well Balanced, Perfectly Sane Cat Lady is never heard. People who own many cats are most often in ill physical health due to unsanitary living conditions and suffer from poor mental health. It is easy to see that the weak grasp on reality that those people have is due to the large quantities of cats. The exact cause of this phenomenon is still unclear, but you never hear about someone dying in a house with forty dogs or forty turtles, but you are not surprised to hear about someone dying in a house with forty cats.(Engber)

The real question now is: Why hasnt the government taken action? If our government finds it necessary to regulate substances such as cigarettes and alcohol because they can be harmful, then they should also protect United States citizens by passing laws on cat ownership. Cats as pets should be outlawed.

Irish Pub Song

What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Early in the mornin'

He grabbed his keys and then starts drivin'
took all the pills his doc prescribed him
had a few beers and now he's strivin'
Early in the mornin'

He met a girl at the bar and then
bought her a drink and she was grinnin'
He went home her beside him
Early in the mornin'

He grabbed his keys and then starts drivin'
took all the pills his doc prescribed him
had a few beers and now he's strivin'
Early in the mornin'

She left quickly and never called him
He went to the bar and couldn't find her
Started trouble left with a shiner
Early in the mornin'

He grabbed his keys and then starts drivin'
took all the pills his doc prescribed him
had a few beers and now he's strivin'
Early in the mornin'

In a drunken rage he was blinded
He didn't see the corner comin'
Wrapped around a pole and now hes done for
Early in the mornin'

Help showed up but they were too late
the sailor was on the way to his grave
He was buried next to a lake
Early in the mornin'

That's what we do with a drunken sailor
Say good bye and see you later
Put you in a six foot crater
Early in the mornin'