Boats

I'm still in the same boat I have been. Right now its just me and the coolest dude ever. But He's asleep right now, so I don't have anyone to talk to. This storm really sucks, I'll be glad when its over and we can take on more crew. It can get really lonely when you're at sea.

Tonight

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Make no mistake.

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Unnerving

A year and a half ago I stopped posting all together, because I fell in love with Ashley and started a serious relationship. Now that we are on the rocks and face the possibility of losing each other, I am here again.

For a year and a half I didn't need to catalog my thoughts, share my secrets with anyone who might read my blog. I had something real and concrete, the fear of losing this relationship is deathly.

I mean that literally. I've watched relatives and mentors slowly deteriorate until they eventually passed. It was a heart breaking loss each time. Josh left the world far too early in his life, and I felt the deepest pain of loss I had ever felt.

But now, with our relationship failing, I feel that same loss again.

The worst part is that the troubles are stupid. Things we should be able to work out, but because of self doubt and fear mistakes are being made. And the outside influences don't help either.

A long distance relationship is almost always doomed to failure. And the longer a relationship stays in that stage of long distance, the harder it is to fix things when you are close. When you see someone every day, or even almost everyday, you see the changes they go through bit by bit. You are there with them. But when you see someone every few months, the changes are sudden. You have to catch up in what little time you have before you part again.

I know that I felt like I was constantly having to learn the most basic things about Ashley every two months, to the point that I couldn't just enjoy being around her. There wasn't enough time to know her as well as I wanted. And I'm sure she felt the same.

This unfamiliarity starts to breed distrust. You can't fully trust someone you don't know. Distrust leads to communication problems. Communication problems lead to REALLY BIG misunderstandings. Sure, both parties love each other, but they become frustrated with the lack of understanding.

Long Distance relationships take a lot of work. And if one person decides its more important to fulfill childhood dreams than to work for an adult relationship, things will go bad.

Thus is the problem.

Ashley and I couldn't find the time to talk enough. We are both constantly busy, and tired. So we don't talk as much as we should. Not talking leads to grumpiness, not venting the days problems leads to more grumpiness. Grumpiness leads to miscommunication, leads to fights. Fights without a physical "make up" session are harsh. Even if you come to a resolution, not being able to hug each other wears you down. To the point that you don't want to talk for fear of a fight, but not talking is what really started it in the first place.

Long Distance relationships are hard. And I don't think I can do it anymore. Not as un-evenly yoked as its been.

I'm in love

I am in love with Ashley.

Kind of funny

I've been here before. I lived her for a long time.

Its like things are back to normal.

My family has been in bed for hours and I'm awake on the PC listening to music, writing poems, and reading comics. I'm smitten by a lady and haven't found the words to tell her how much she means to me. I'm in school, I'm broke. I had a fight with my Dad.

But this time it really is different. I don't want to get over the girl this time. I don't mind being broke so much. I know that I'm finally in the right class. And I don't have anger for my Dad, I have sorrow. And I'm not giving into hate and temptation like I used to.

This time I'm an adult. This time I'm putting all my hopes in Christ. Thanks to Him I can hurt without being broken. I can love without being lost. Thank you God.

This time

This time I won't hide.
This time I won't accept numbness.
This time I won't back down.
This time I won't give up.

This time I will love.
This time I will hold on.
This time I will be honest with myself.
This time I will be brave.